Releasing Expectations

Taking off the Limits

Letting Go of Expectations

Finding Myself

I don’t yet know the right title, but I know what needs to be said. As I approach turning 50, I’ve looked at the number with angst. Like it somehow defines me or demands me to be something I’m not. Or could be but don’t want to be.

Something has started to shift as I enter the T-6 months to my 50’s era. Over the last 12+ years I’ve become more secure in myself, my thoughts, my voice. Anxiety has tried to disrupt the calm at times, but I also feel I now understand what is so true about me, my identity, and who God has made me to be.

At the same time, I recall so many voices over the years trying to either mold me to their ideas for me, limit my abilities and aspirations, or somewhat politely tell me to remember my place.

I grieve a bit for the naïve young twenty something me, who knew things were wrong but didn’t know how to say “NO”. I’m grateful for the version of myself who finally stood up and said no more, even in difficult spaces like courtrooms. I recall actively pursuing and growing in my faith, yet he thought he could walk into the court room wearing his “Got Jesus” t-shirt (yes, like the milk slogan) and waive a Bible around to prove me wrong and somehow a bad person. No more.

I feel strength and gratitude in my call to preach even as I remember the pastor who told me I’d probably really like a book about preaching. Quickly followed by, “not that you’ll ever preach, since you’re a woman.” That stung. For a lot of years. But doesn’t anymore.

I’m grateful for the work I’ve engaged in of bringing clean water to children in DR Congo, even though another pastor once said, “You’re going to Congo before me?!” when I meekly shared my growing heart for DRC. I may not have visited the outcome of fundraising for clean water in person… YET… but I’ve helped raise a lot of money to bring lasting change to over 2,500 people and counting.

I remember coming home from a conference instilled with passion to step into my call to preach the Gospel with others ready to advocate for me, only to be shamed for something completely unrelated. It didn’t make sense then and it still doesn’t. It held me back then, but no longer.

I recall how hard the 13 years as a single mom were. Many people I looked up to told me not to date and just raise my kids and wait until I’m older. Even friends told me I was too picky, had too high of standards, was just too much and should just lower the bar. I’m grateful for my adventures. Missteps too. It lead me to prayer, to waiting on God and not my friends’ opinions. Then I knew the right one when he was in front of me and wanted to be part of my ordinary days.

I don’t share these things to point fingers or cast blame, but to share experiences where I felt I was being told to stay in the box they thought I should be in. Don’t strive for more, don’t be too happy, don’t be too much, don’t stand up to power.

Play your role, look pretty, smile nicely.

That’s not who or what God asked me to do or be. I’m done playing that game. I’m quicker to recognize the negative chatter, stand up for myself and those around me, and walk a different path if I need to.

I’m done feeling like an outsider when I’m actually right where God wants me to be.

Next to him.

Seeking him.

Finding him in my days.

I’m done being told to play a role or stay in a box that wasn’t meant for me or that I’ve outgrown.

Even as these words flowed out in conversation with Jesus, his response flowed back just as swiftly:

As often as I’ve felt told to stay in my place, I’m grateful for opportunities where I get to hold space for others. Where I can enlarge the box or rip it down. Especially for other female leaders.

I’m reminded of the many faces I’ve cheered on as they discerned their call to ministry, seminary, and ordination. I celebrate a part of my call is to continue making space and championing these women. Even those I haven’t yet met.

The Lord is also sweetly bringing to mind the faces of many children in ministries I’ve lead over the years. He’s reminding me of Gospel seeds I faithfully shared and scattered as the Holy Spirit continues graciously watering and nurturing those seeds. And now I hear stories of their involvement in ministry and living lives worthy of the one who made them.

Such grace.

As I approach 50, I recently shared some of these wonderings, worries, and challenges with a dear friend and mentor. She looked deeply and intently in my eyes and said, “Step into your age.”

Step into your age.

The places others have tried to hold me back don’t define me. They’re part of my story, part of my experience, part of my forming the Lord has turned for his good. And I am so grateful for the ways he continues to call me his beloved and tenderly grows me, even in the battles of life.

Hmm, and there was the right title all along, “Step Into Your Age”. So grateful for the Lord’s continued blessing of friends, community, and the way Jesus speaks into my life through others.

May turning 50 this September be a moment to pause, to remember and celebrate God’s faithfulness over the years, and to step into my age of wisdom, discernment, and joy.